I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
