She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
