Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
