he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
