fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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