I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
