I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
