life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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