my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
