hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
