I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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