I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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