she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
