A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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