either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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