Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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