I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
