this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
