I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize