Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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