thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize