I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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