Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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