after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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