Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
