Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
