i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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