oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
