I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
