I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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