pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
