when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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