So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
