new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
