I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
