Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
