she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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