I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
