No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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