these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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