She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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