I want to stick my p in your. b.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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