gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
