Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
