I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
