i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
