you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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