Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
