I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
nutella sex= disaster
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
