Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
