There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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