i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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