I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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