I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
