Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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