There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
