Don't make out with my wife yet
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize