Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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