I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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