so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
