I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
