So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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