I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
