My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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