Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
