Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
