my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
then he tried to convert me to islam
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
