I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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