The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
