I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
