I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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